My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
