I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
