I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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