i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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