I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
