Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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