Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
