i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
