when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
