You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
