we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
