Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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