It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
