At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
