so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
