At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
