You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
