at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
