if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
