So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
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I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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