Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
