i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
