It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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