Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
