i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
