Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
