God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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