I am midnight drunk by noon
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Randomize
