I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
