then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
