Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
