I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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