You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
