my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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