I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
