o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
