I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
