You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
