I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
