Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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