I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
