I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My liver just had a heart attack.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
