I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my liver is dry heaving
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
