So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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