idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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