I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Randomize
