I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize