what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
