I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
