You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
