you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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