I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
