God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I want to be your penis for a week.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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