i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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