They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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