God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
