i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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