the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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