Well douche your snatch and let's go!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
